Conspiracy Column: Pete Davidson, Man or Magician?


Caption: Pete Davidson has had a come up in the past few years as a famous actor, and as an even more legendary dater. What’s his secret?

Emsley Jackson, Section Editor

  The man, the myth, the legend: actor/comedian Pete Davidson. On-screen, he has garnered attention for his humor and natural off-putting vibe that audiences can’t seem to get enough of. But beyond the stage, Davidson has become known as somewhat of a wizard regarding his legendary dating history. He has bagged some of the brightest and biggest beauties in Hollywood, but the real conspiracy is around how this self-proclaimed weirdo from Staten Island reached the pinnacle of the dating pool. What is he hiding? 

  To fully grasp Davidson’s talents, you have to go through his all-star roster. When the actor first surfaced around 2013 he was on MTV’s Guy Code, and briefly dated MTV’s Girl Code comedian, Carly Aquilino. They remained friends and he even acted with her in his 2020 film: The King of Staten Island. His next public relationship was with comedy king Larry David’s daughter, Cazzie David. This is the first but certainly not the last famous daughter on this list, so fathers take this as a warning to hide your wives and daughters when Pete is around. Davidson’s next relationship with singer/actress Ariana Grande was such a whirlwind that after only seven months he now had a reputation, a song named after him, and several tattoos that needed to be covered up. 

  After the ending of his romance with Grande, Davidson speedily dated actress Kate Beckinsale, actress Margaret Qualley, the famous daughter of actress Andie MacDowell, and model Kaia Gerber, the famous daughter of model Cindy Crawford. For about five months he was with British Bridgerton actress Phoebe Dynevor, breaking up for long-distance reasons in August of 2021. Then the mother of all shocking relationships– Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian. This relationship spurred legal issues and hate speech with ex-husband Kanye West, who was not a fan of the big friendly giant hanging around his children and high-profile ex-wife. This duo showed funny guys everywhere that they too could bag the princess. The couple lasted for nine months and split in August of 2022, and Davidson has been suspiciously laying low since. His only real dating action recently has been with model Emily Ratajkowski, which is reportedly over already. This means he is single and ready to mingle, so be extra careful in this new year and do not let your lady travel to New York City alone, Pete WILL get a tattoo and/or branding related to her. 

  Now onto the magic. What kind of potions is he concocting? Is he summoning the spirits of Frank Sinatra, Marlon Brando, and Hugh Hefner to use them as his Jedi masters? Is he the funniest, most interesting man in the world? Junior Max Guillama thinks it’s simpler than that by saying, “He has wealth, he gets fame everywhere he goes, and he’s funny. Oh, and he’s very tall.” Is this the recipe for success? 

  Senior Ian Solloway thinks it’s something more sinister than charm: “I think he’s a part of the Illuminati, he has all these aliens that abduct the women for him. Definitely mind control, they’re trying to see how easily they can get control of all these famous celebrities. Pete Davidson just happens to be one of the people administering this mind control.” I asked him about Pete’s most recent long-term relationship with Kim Kardashian, and he replied, “I think it was a successful experiment.” If Ian happens to go missing after this article is posted then we’ll have proof of his suspicions. 

  When asked why she thinks Davidson pulls so much, senior Sophia Fossaceca relayed, “He probably sells them drugs. I don’t know, he’s funny.” Funny is a word that turned up in every interview, funnily enough. Senior Edward Thompson says, “It might be luck,” to which senior Jonathan Weidner responded, “No way, not with that lineup. It has to be the weird face funny guy combo. But not just funny, like FUNNY funny.” 

  With all the rumors floating around, the public may never get the truth. Is it skill, luck, or something more devious? While the answer has yet to be defrosted, his constant headlines are keeping us warm this winter.